YELLOW IS NOT THE NEW GREEN!

I don't know about you, but I receive a variety of yellow page directories way too often. They're all short and fat and claim to cover my local area, and some have the audacity to state that they are the best yellow pages. Hah! Today I needed to find the number for PetSmart near me because my dear kitty, Ambi, has a bad case of fleas and I refuse to pay what our vet charges for Front Line. I can hear you telling me to order a supply on-line for a fraction of the cost and you are absolutely right, and I will in the future. However, I need flea treatment and bomb NOW.

How hard could it be to locate a telephone number in a book devoted solely to providing telephone numers of businesses in my area? Two out of three of these current directories do not list that location at all; only "The Real Yellow Pages" does. Conversely, I haven't received a White Page directory in forever. There was a time when you would see some residential pages tossed in before the business listings but no longer, at least in my area. Go figure.

Then there is the case of using my home telephone for which service is provided by a huge, major company that is said on many commercials to reach anywhere in the country and I guess virtually every point beyond, outside of Mars. Maybe -- but only if you position yourself near my front door, otherwise the other party cannot hear you and you just hear fuzzy gibberish.

What is even better than getting another yellow page directory is discovering that it has been left by my front door which I never use. Invariably, I don't see it there until there has been a drenching rain and a soggy mess is sprawled on my welcome mat -- not welcoming at all! I think there is some connection to these deliveries and downpours!!!

Think green and good luck if you have to look something up in the phone book.

A Few Good Words

Way back in the dark ages before there were blogs -- heck, before there were personal computers -- newspapers were staples at our house. Stan would dive into the sports section and then world news -- he was a Joe Friday kind of guy, "Just the facts, ma'am, nothing but the facts." I would start with my favorite comic strip, "For Better or Worse," and then hunt through the editorial columns in hope of finding a human interest piece. My day would be made when I would see syndicated articles by Bob Green (the Chicago writer, not Oprah's fitness guy) and Anna Quindlen (former op-ed writer for the NY Times). I loved reading Erma Bombeck's hilarious reports on family life and Celestine Sibley's affectionate tales of living in her log cabin, Sweet Apple. I miss them.

Well, let me tell you: working in a library and logging onto Goodreads have definitely expanded my world! I recently learned that Lisa Scottoline, the best-selling mystery author, writes a delightful column, "Chick Wit," for the Philadelphia Inquirer. She has compiled many of them as well as some additional essays into a very funny book, "Why My Third Husband Will be a Dog -- the Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman."

She writes about her mom, "Mother Mary," her 20-something daughter Francesca, her two ex-husbands, "Thing One and Thing Two," and anyone she happens to encounter in the course of a day. She writes about living in the suburbs with four dogs and covers almost every imaginable subject, including VPL and VBL (visible panty lines and visible bra lines), and believes all GG's (good girls) should be proud to show them off. Reading Lisa's columns is like listening to a friend sound off about all the idiotic things that happen in any ordinary old day. They're not big news -- they're the little gems that make us laugh and want to yell, "Yes, that's exactly what I think."

Now, maybe you'll understand why I love reading all the wonderful, funny, sweet, human pieces that you all publish. Thank you, Cathy Hall, for introducing me to Lisa and all your writing friends who feel like mine now.