YELLOW IS NOT THE NEW GREEN!

I don't know about you, but I receive a variety of yellow page directories way too often. They're all short and fat and claim to cover my local area, and some have the audacity to state that they are the best yellow pages. Hah! Today I needed to find the number for PetSmart near me because my dear kitty, Ambi, has a bad case of fleas and I refuse to pay what our vet charges for Front Line. I can hear you telling me to order a supply on-line for a fraction of the cost and you are absolutely right, and I will in the future. However, I need flea treatment and bomb NOW.

How hard could it be to locate a telephone number in a book devoted solely to providing telephone numers of businesses in my area? Two out of three of these current directories do not list that location at all; only "The Real Yellow Pages" does. Conversely, I haven't received a White Page directory in forever. There was a time when you would see some residential pages tossed in before the business listings but no longer, at least in my area. Go figure.

Then there is the case of using my home telephone for which service is provided by a huge, major company that is said on many commercials to reach anywhere in the country and I guess virtually every point beyond, outside of Mars. Maybe -- but only if you position yourself near my front door, otherwise the other party cannot hear you and you just hear fuzzy gibberish.

What is even better than getting another yellow page directory is discovering that it has been left by my front door which I never use. Invariably, I don't see it there until there has been a drenching rain and a soggy mess is sprawled on my welcome mat -- not welcoming at all! I think there is some connection to these deliveries and downpours!!!

Think green and good luck if you have to look something up in the phone book.

A Few Good Words

Way back in the dark ages before there were blogs -- heck, before there were personal computers -- newspapers were staples at our house. Stan would dive into the sports section and then world news -- he was a Joe Friday kind of guy, "Just the facts, ma'am, nothing but the facts." I would start with my favorite comic strip, "For Better or Worse," and then hunt through the editorial columns in hope of finding a human interest piece. My day would be made when I would see syndicated articles by Bob Green (the Chicago writer, not Oprah's fitness guy) and Anna Quindlen (former op-ed writer for the NY Times). I loved reading Erma Bombeck's hilarious reports on family life and Celestine Sibley's affectionate tales of living in her log cabin, Sweet Apple. I miss them.

Well, let me tell you: working in a library and logging onto Goodreads have definitely expanded my world! I recently learned that Lisa Scottoline, the best-selling mystery author, writes a delightful column, "Chick Wit," for the Philadelphia Inquirer. She has compiled many of them as well as some additional essays into a very funny book, "Why My Third Husband Will be a Dog -- the Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman."

She writes about her mom, "Mother Mary," her 20-something daughter Francesca, her two ex-husbands, "Thing One and Thing Two," and anyone she happens to encounter in the course of a day. She writes about living in the suburbs with four dogs and covers almost every imaginable subject, including VPL and VBL (visible panty lines and visible bra lines), and believes all GG's (good girls) should be proud to show them off. Reading Lisa's columns is like listening to a friend sound off about all the idiotic things that happen in any ordinary old day. They're not big news -- they're the little gems that make us laugh and want to yell, "Yes, that's exactly what I think."

Now, maybe you'll understand why I love reading all the wonderful, funny, sweet, human pieces that you all publish. Thank you, Cathy Hall, for introducing me to Lisa and all your writing friends who feel like mine now.

Lights, Action, Camera

I know you must be sick of hearing about my grandchildren but since the only other funny characters in my life are at the library I find it far more entertaining to talk about my three wild and wooly little ones. Sunday was Baptism day for all three of them at Hope United Methodist Church in Paulding Co.

The pastor introduced them: Kylie was busy modeling her new dress for "her" audience, Logan was screaming bloody murder that he had to be there at all, and Sophie just lay quietly in her mom's arms. Kylie was the first to be anointed and was quite reverent but then lost interest in the ceremony when it was her brother and sister's turn. She went to the edge of the stage, looked up at the lights, fully extended her arms, looked out at everyone with a beatific smile and then yelled, "Grandma, Grandma"! I could totally see her playing Emily in "Our Town."

I retrieved her and we sat for a moment while I assured her that I would attend every play she is ever in and there is no doubt this child will be trying to star in every production her schools ever offer. She wasted no time in running back up to the stage with her family and was totally surprised when the another family took the stage. She and Logan were then happily led to the nursery where she probably recounted her moment of fame and glory in great detail.

It was a good day, a wonderful celebration and a delicious cake made it seem even sweeter!

FAMILY TIME

There's nothing like being around young children, especially when they're your precious grandchildren, to help you view life through a different kaleidsecope! I've spent the last two weeks with Kylie, Logan, and our new arrival, Sophie, as well as their mom and dad. It's funny how you can go on a weekly carousel, moving a bit robotlike to work, etc., not really noticing life in its purest form.

Kids are incredible beings, exhausting but incredible. They welcome you into their life with their open arms, open hearts, and open mouths. They let you know how life is supposed to be. Flowers are to be planted and to make you see how beautiful nature is; swings are supposed to be pushed "really high"; stories are supposed to be read "aden and aden," and snacks should keep on coming. Not a bad lesson to re-learn: have fun playing in the dirt, experience a bit of adventure, always have a good book available, and enjoy your food! Little Sophie quietly enjoys the show from her baby seat and dozes off when the noise gets to be too much.

It sounds a little corny to say this has been a life-changing experience but it has been. My life basically ended almost five years ago but it has been reborn over and over with each new child and I'm so grateful for their love.

Real life re-starts this weekend and my old routine will basically resume but it feels much more colorful now.

WELCOME, SOPHIE!

Sophia Anne (Sophie) joined the family on April 9th -- YAY!!! She looks so much like her brother and sister (and father and aunt) that it is almost comical how strong the Johnson genes are. Both Kylie and Logan have started to look more like their mom but at birth they're all Johnson all the way.

I am so proud of Jennifer and Eric for how they held up when they could not have their little sweetie in their room but had to visit her at certain times in the nursery where she was hooked up to an i.v.

There must be a connection between all parents when they hear that there is any sign of distress in their newborn. Even when it is for something that the doctors keep reassuring you will be okay, anxiety steals some of the initial joy and hope becomes more necessary than possibly at any other time in life. My heart goes out to all babies and their parents and makes me aware that it doesn't only take a village to raise a child; it takes a world -- to root for the little ones, to pray for them and to support them however we can.

Sophie's picture, taken on her car ride home, is on Facebook and I will be delighted to make you my friend so that you too can ooh and aah at this beautiful little girl.

NOT EXACTLY TRADITIONAL

Easter is coming and I'm really looking forward to spending it with my family at Eric's house. I volunteered to bring the meal. I know I'm crazy but Jennifer is way too pregnant to be worrying about preparing dishes. I asked Keri for suggestions and she said we could pick up a pizza from Bambinelli's. Pizza for Easter?!! My mom would roll over in her grave. Easter dinner always consisted of a baked ham with pineapple rings on top and merachrino cherries in the middle of them. Neither of my kids has ever been a ham enthusiast though and they believe turkey is for Thanksgiving only. Since I don't eat much meat, I don't really care.

So, I must come up with an alternative. We are the people who have not a trace of Italian blood in us but have lasagne for Christmas dinner every year. So I tried to figure out what would appease all of us . The little ones are easy since they like mac and cheese which I make in a crock pot. I happened to be talking to a coworker who said she is making strombolis and she isn't Italian either. Hmmm, not too bad an idea -- she has assured me it's super simple. So, at 9:45 last night, I was in Publix buying frozen bread dough, onions, peppers, mushrooms, sausage and chicken and lots and lots of cheese to make two strombolis. I didn't mention my plans to Eric since a little surprise here and there is good for the soul.

This afternoon I had a message from my sweet son telling me they don't want me to go to any trouble and certainly don't want a ham or turkey. What they would really like is -- hold onto your seat -- a pizza from Bambinelli's. Where have I gone wrong!

Happy eating on Easter.

Is it Monday yet, Please!

This weekend had a bit of an ominous beginning since I left the book I'm reading, The Lacemakers of Glenmara, at work and the library is closed Sunday and Monday (that will change as of April 25th). It was enough to induce a mini panic attack. Luckily, I have found that old movies and those tiny Cadbury eggs with the crisp shells that are completely addictive (Keri claims the shells are lined with crack!) can act as a substitute in a pinch.

Then, last night, Eric called to say that Jennifer was in Piedmont Hospital, possibly in labor a few weeks early. He was sitting in their van with their two little ones in the parking lot and Kylie had to go potty. Little Sophie didn't make her debut yet so we will, thankfully, have to wait a bit to meet her.

This morning I got a text from my sister saying my father was in the hospital because of dehydration. He had fainted at church and was rushed to the emergency room but was back home this afternoon. He sounded good but I learned that he is receiving chemotherapy. My mom's twelfth anniversary is this Sunday and we're hoping for no poetic coincidences here.

Right now I'm totally relaxed and watching Jack Nicholson experience a panic attack in Something's Gotta Give, a very cute, funny movie. Life is back to normal and now I can start thinking about Easter baskets for Kylie and Logan. When I gave Kylie a little Valentine bear she told her family in Tennessee her "friend Grandma" (pronounced Gamma) gave it to her.

I hope you enjoy a wonderful Easter and that Peter Rabbit treats you very well.